How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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