I look better un-naked...
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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