Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
