remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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