My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
