Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
