the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
