"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
