Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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