This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize