Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
