shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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