Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
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