it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize