I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
