So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
When are your genitals available?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
