You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
