When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
ugly people sure do ruin things
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize