I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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