low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
