I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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