I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
