I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You need Xanax blowdarts
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
