I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
