i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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