awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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