I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
