I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
