if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
