Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
