Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
