...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
