I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
