Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
