last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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