omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
