took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
