is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
