apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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