I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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