You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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