i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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