i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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