Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
