I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
