i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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