tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
