drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
