My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
