I accidentally had phone sex last night
I am puke
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
