I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
