i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
