my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
