theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
