I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
