just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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