Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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