That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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