Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize
