Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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