Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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