What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
